Respect Begins With Looking Twice

Respect is one of those words we use often, yet rarely stop to define. We ask for it. We expect it. We grieve its absence. We end relationships because of it. But what does it actually mean?

The word respect comes from the Latin respectus, derived from respicere, meaning "to look back", "to look again", or quite literally, "to look twice". There is something profoundly important in that definition. Respect is not simply admiration, obedience, agreement, or politeness. Respect is the deliberate choice to pause long enough to truly see another person.

To look twice is to recognise that our first interpretation may not be the whole story. It is the willingness to become curious before becoming certain. It is the discipline of asking, "What else might be true here?" before reacting.

This understanding is remarkably consistent across many wisdom traditions.

In Buddhist philosophy, mindfulness is the practice of bringing awareness to our thoughts, words, and actions. Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us that every conversation either nourishes understanding or contributes to suffering. In The Art of Communicating, he writes about deep listening and loving speech, inviting us to become aware not only of what we say, but of the intention behind our words. Similarly, in How to Love, he describes love as something that must be cultivated through presence, understanding, compassion, and mindful awareness rather than assumed through good intentions alone.

Across many Indigenous knowledge systems, there is a shared understanding that life exists within relationship. Relationship extends to people, community, Country, and future generations. Decisions are not viewed solely through the lens of individual rights, but through their ripple effects. Every word spoken, every movement made, and every choice carries consequence beyond ourselves.

Viewed through these lenses, respect becomes far more than good manners. It becomes a way of moving through the world with awareness.

Respect asks us to consider:

What am I thinking?

What am I saying?

How am I saying it?

What impact am I having?

What impact might I have that I cannot yet see?

Respect is not perfection. We all make mistakes. We all become defensive, tired, overwhelmed, or emotionally flooded. Respect is the willingness to remain accountable for the impact we have, even when that impact was never intended.

This distinction is important because respect is often misunderstood.

Respect is not agreement, compliance, submission or avoiding difficult conversations. It isn't walking on eggshells or demanding that another person never challenge you.

Respect is not contingent upon agreement, affection or even liking another person. We can profoundly disagree with someone while still recognising their humanity and choosing to treat them with dignity. In fact, it is often in moments of disagreement that respect becomes most visible.

In healthy relationships, respect allows room for disagreement, boundaries, accountability, and repair. In fact, genuine respect often requires courageous conversations that feel uncomfortable in the moment because they honour the relationship more than temporary comfort.

Perhaps the most difficult question about respect is one we rarely ask ourselves. If I do not feel respected, am I being respectable?

At first glance, that question can sound confronting. It is not intended to blame those who have experienced disrespect, abuse, or mistreatment. Every person deserves dignity regardless of how they behave. Abuse is never justified.

Instead, this question invites self reflection within ordinary relationship dynamics.

Am I behaving in ways that are worthy of trust?

Do my actions align with my words?

Am I accountable when I make mistakes?

Am I emotionally honest?

Do I communicate directly instead of manipulating, withdrawing, criticising, or expecting others to read my mind?

Being respectable is not about becoming perfect. It is about becoming congruent.

Authenticity plays an essential role here.

Authenticity is often misunderstood as simply "being yourself". Yet authenticity is not giving ourselves permission to say whatever we feel in the moment without considering its impact. Authenticity is allowing our external behaviour to genuinely reflect our internal values.

If kindness is one of my values, authenticity asks whether my words are kind. Not only towards others, but also towards myself.

If honesty is one of my values, authenticity asks whether I tell difficult truths with compassion rather than cruelty, and is my outer world is a reflection of my inner world also.

If respect is one of my values, authenticity asks whether my behaviour reflects respect even when I feel disappointed, hurt, frightened, or angry.

Authenticity without responsibility becomes self expression at another person's expense. Responsibility without authenticity becomes performance. Respect requires both.

Dr Sara Nasserzadeh's Blueprint for Lasting Love identifies respect as one of the essential ingredients required for enduring relationships. Her work reminds us that respect is not simply a feeling we hold toward another person. It is something demonstrated consistently through our behaviours, communication, and daily interactions. Partners who feel respected experience greater emotional safety, making it easier to navigate conflict, vulnerability, intimacy, and growth together.

When we combine this understanding with the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh and the relational wisdom embedded within Indigenous philosophies, a richer picture begins to emerge.

Respect is awareness.

It is presence.

It is gentle curiosity.

It is accountability.

It is recognising that every interaction leaves an imprint.

Perhaps respect begins exactly where its Latin origin suggests. Not by looking harder, but by looking twice. Not seeing more, but seeing more deeply. Looking beyond our own perspective to the people we choose to share our life with.

Looking carefully enough to remember that every person standing before us carries a story we cannot fully see.

And when two people choose to keep looking twice, relationship becomes less about being right, and more about creating a space where both people can continue becoming fully seen.

About the Author

Stefanie Evans is an Australian counsellor, couple's therapist, clinical supervisor and writer, exploring the intersection of attachment, trauma, neurodivergence and relational health. She works with both individuals and couples navigating relational complexity, emotional injury, conflict, identity and nervous system overwhelm through a trauma informed and psychologically integrative lens.

The content shared here is intended for reflection and psychoeducational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalised medical, psychological or therapeutic advice. If you require individual support, it is important to seek guidance appropriate to your personal circumstances.

Foundations of This Piece

This article reflects my own clinical synthesis of contemporary relationship science, philosophical traditions and therapeutic practice.

The discussion of respect has been influenced by professional training undertaken with Dr Sara Nasserzadeh, whose Blueprint for Lasting Love identifies respect as one of six essential ingredients for enduring relationships. The interpretations and reflections presented here are my own and are intended to integrate this learning with broader psychological and philosophical perspectives that inform my clinical practice.

The exploration of respect is also grounded in the Latin origin of the word respectus, from respicere, meaning "to look again" or "to look twice". This understanding provides a philosophical framework for viewing respect as an intentional act of curiosity, perspective taking and thoughtful consideration, rather than mere politeness, agreement or compliance.

The reflections on mindful awareness, compassionate communication and presence draw upon the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, particularly How to Love and The Art of Communicating. These ideas are considered alongside contemporary psychological research exploring emotional regulation, empathy, reflective responding and relational wellbeing.

This article also respectfully acknowledges the enduring relational wisdom held within Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures and Indigenous knowledge systems more broadly, where respect is often understood as living in reciprocal relationship with people, community, Country and future generations. These perspectives are referenced as broad philosophical influences and are not intended to represent any single Indigenous culture or worldview.

Together, these influences form part of the coherent relational philosophy that underpins my clinical work with individuals and couples.

Further Reading

Dr Sara Nasserzadeh - Blueprint for Lasting Love professional training and publications

Thich Nhat Hanh - How to Love

Thich Nhat Hanh - The Art of Communicating

John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth Attachment Theory

Daniel Siegel The Developing Mind and Interpersonal Neurobiology

Stephen Porges - Polyvagal Theory

John and Julie Gottman - relationship friendship, repair and emotional connection

Robin Wall Kimmerer - Braiding Sweetgrass

Australian Institute of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Studies (AIATSIS) - ethical principles and Indigenous ways of knowing