Why Some Couples Survive Infidelity (And Others Don't)

What Decades of research from Shirley Glass, John Gottman, Sue Johnson and Esther Perel reveal about betrayal, trust and the role of therapy in recovery.

When a couple walks into therapy after an affair, the question is rarely spoken aloud immediately.

Instead, it sits quietly in the room.

Can we survive this?

Research suggests that many couples do. Yet survival and recovery are not the same thing.

Over the past three decades, researchers and clinicians including Shirley Glass, John Gottman, Sue Johnson and Esther Perel have helped us understand why some couples emerge from betrayal stronger and more connected, while others remain trapped in cycles of hurt, defensiveness and mistrust.

Their findings point to a hopeful but challenging reality: the affair itself is often not the strongest predictor of a relationship’s future. What matters most is what happens afterwards.

Infidelity can be one of the most painful and destabilising experiences a couple faces. Yet research consistently shows that many couples do survive betrayal, and some go on to build relationships that feel safer, more honest and more connected than before.

What separates the couples who recover from those who remain stuck is rarely the affair itself. More often, it is their ability to create safety, accountability, understanding and trust in the aftermath.

This is where therapy can play a powerful role.

After betrayal, many couples find themselves trapped in painful cycles. One partner is overwhelmed by hurt, fear and unanswered questions. The other may feel ashamed, defensive, hopeless or uncertain how to repair the damage. Conversations quickly become repetitive, reactive or emotionally overwhelming, leaving both people feeling unheard and alone.

Effective therapy provides a structured and supportive space to slow these cycles down. It helps couples understand what has happened, process the impact of the betrayal, and learn how to communicate about it in ways that foster healing rather than further injury.

Research suggests that couples are more likely to recover when the affair has ended, accountability is present, transparency is established, and both partners are willing to engage in the difficult work of rebuilding trust. Therapy supports these processes by helping couples navigate painful conversations, strengthen emotional safety, rebuild connection and develop a clearer understanding of the patterns that contributed to the crisis.

Importantly, therapy is not about excusing an affair or assigning blame. It is about helping both partners understand what has happened, what each person needs moving forward, and whether the relationship can be rebuilt in a way that feels healthy, secure and sustainable.

Healing from betrayal is rarely quick. Trust is rebuilt through consistent actions over time, often over many months or even years. Having skilled support during this process can reduce isolation, increase understanding, and provide a roadmap through one of the most challenging periods a relationship may face.

While not every relationship survives infidelity, therapy can help couples make thoughtful and informed decisions about their future—whether that involves rebuilding the relationship or separating with greater clarity, respect and understanding.

About the author

Stefanie Evans (ACA L2) is an Australian counsellor, couple’s therapist, clinical supervisor and writer, exploring the intersection of attachment, trauma, neurodivergence, coercive control literacy and emerging AI-mediated relationship dynamics. She works with both individuals and couples navigating relational complexity, emotional injury, identity, conflict and nervous system overwhelm through a trauma-informed and psychologically integrative lens.

The content shared here is intended for reflection and psychoeducational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalised medical, psychological or therapeutic advice. If you require individual support, it is important to seek guidance appropriate to your personal circumstances.

References and Theoretical Sources

Shirley Glass – Often referred to as the “godmother of infidelity research,” Glass’s work focused on trust, boundaries and the process of recovery following affairs. Her book Not “Just Friends” remains one of the most influential texts on betrayal and relationship repair.

John Gottman – Relationship researcher known for decades of observational studies examining what predicts relationship stability, dissolution and recovery. Gottman’s work highlights the importance of repair attempts, emotional attunement and the corrosive effects of contempt.

Sue Johnson – Founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Johnson’s research emphasises attachment injury, emotional responsiveness and the creation of safety as central to healing relational trauma, including betrayal.

Esther Perel – Psychotherapist and author whose work explores infidelity through the lenses of attachment, desire, identity and meaning. Perel’s contribution has helped broaden public understanding of the complex relational dynamics surrounding affairs and recovery.